New Years

As I sit in my parent's living room with Keegan and my parents watching some silly sitcom because nothing geared towards New Years is on, I think about 2011.

2011 was a year of a lot of changes in my life.

• Graduating in May with my bachelors in Fine Art with two minors in art history and textile and apparel management
• Moving to Mississippi two days after graduation with Keegan (this was a huge step for us because we had never lived in the same city our entire relationship)
• Having to find and start a new job after having the same job after 3.5 years
• Having to make new friends in a strange city (believe me, this was probably the hardest part of this last year)
• Losing my grandma
• Getting engaged!!!!!
• Going back to Canada to see my extended family that I hadn't seen in over 7 years
• Buying a new house!!!!
• And I'm sure other things that I'm currently forgetting...(because we're watching the Big Bang Theory)

This past year has been insane to say the least, but I've loved every minute of it. Usually at this time of the year, I'm ready to forget the last year and start fresh with a new year, but I've actually really enjoyed 2011. I can't wait to see what 2012 has in store for Keegan and I. I'm so excited to become Mrs. Wright (tehehe), to get totally settled into our new house, to maaaaybe get a puppy, and just start our own family. I'm excited to grow as a couple, to get to know each other's families better and to just enjoy being us. We're going to become more settled in our jobs, our friends and our new lives in Mississippi.

For the first time, I'm really excited to see what the new year has to bring.

Happy New Year everyone!

Happy 18th Birthday Bri!

 *This was supposed to post on Christmas, and I thought I had it scheduled to do so, but apparently not. If anyone wants to guide me through scheduling a post correctly, that would be much appreciated.* 

My middle sister, Brianne, turned 18 today! She was  born on Christmas day in 1993 when I was just 5 years old. She wasn't supposed to be due until mid-January so my dad wanted to drive to Canada to see our extended family like we always did during Christmas. However, my mom had a sneaking suspicion that Bri would make her debut early, so we decided to stay home just in case. Thank goodness we did because after we opened presents, my mom's water broke! I'm not 100% sure of the details, but Brianne Elyse was born later that day after some complications (she had to be suctioned out so all of her first pictures were taken with a bow on top of her head (before that was fashionable) to hide the bruise.) I think the funniest story of all was that my mom's doctor walked into her room with a turkey leg because he had just come from Christmas dinner. Bri had great timing didn't she?

Anyways, Bri and I haven't always been close (I remember telling her she was the worst Christmas present I'd ever gotten once when we were little,) but as we've both grown older, we've gotten closer. She's graduating from high school this year and is going off to college! I can't believe she's going to be 18 this year. To me, she's always going to be my annoying 5 year old sister, but I guess I have to come to terms that she's growing up. She's going to be my maid of honor at my wedding in August and I'm unbelievably excited for that.

Now for some pictures: 

Baby Bri

I *think* this is when she was in junior high

Taking after her big sister and lifeguarding

Not the best picture of me, but she looks cute. At my college graduation in May '11. 

My favorite of her senior pictures. She's grown up to be a beautiful girl. 

So before I get too sappy, I just want to say that even though we haven't always gotten along, I'm so thankful that Bri was born on Christmas and became my Christmas present. She's grown up to be a smart, thoughtful,  beautiful girl with a great personality that's going to do amazing things in her life. I'm so happy that she's going to be my maid of honor and share that special day with me. I couldn't ask for a better middle sister.

Excitement!

By this time tomorrow, we'll be in Columbia, sitting around my parents living room (if they haven't gone to bed yet,) having celebrated my sister's 18th birthday. I'm beyond excited to be back home with my family for basically a week and Keegan's family for a few days. As I've grown up, and even more this year, Christmas has become less about the presents and more about just being with my family. This is the first year that Keegan and I will be together for Christmas and the first year that he will be with my family for Christmas. Now that I think about it, it's also the first Christmas that I will be bringing a boy over to "stay" for Christmas, before all of my boyfriends have had their Christmas' with their families and we'd always celebrate together later.

The engagement ornament we got ourselves 

The engagement ornament my parents got us

I'm just honestly so excited to hang out with my family for the next week. There will be much wedding planning (I'm going dress shopping!), house planning (did I mention we go the house? I didn't? Well that'll be another post later on...) and just generally hanging out with the family. Bri, my middle sister has a swim meet next Friday which will be nice to see, it's been a while since I've seen her swim.

We're going to see Keegan's side of the family for Christmas dinner and for a few days afterwards. I'm extremely nervous because this is my first time meeting any of his extended family. We're going to be staying with his cousin Logan and his new fiancée so that we don't put any extra strain on his grandma, so I hope that I at least mesh with them well so it's not super awkward that I'm sleeping on their floor. I'm honestly really excited to see Keegan's brother. We haven't seen him in months and we don't get to talk to him often with him being a police officer and working random shifts, mostly the night shift. He also hasn't seen my engagement ring yet and I'm more than willing to show that off :P

I love giving presents more than I like receiving them, and I'm super excited about this year. I'm not going to say what I got everyone because I don't know who reads my blog, but I can't wait to see their faces. I love getting people things that they'd never think of asking for/getting for themselves.

Anyways, I should probably finish packing. I *think* I have all of my clothes packed, but I need to finish packing my wedding stuff to show my family the progress I've made so far as well as the presents.

I'm not sure when I'll be on here throughout the week, so I hope everyone's holidays are amazing and here's to a great 2012! 

Happy 24th Birthday, Birthday Boy!

Today is Keegan's 24th birthday, so in honor of that, I wanted to list 24 things about him that I love (if you're not into mushy stuff, I'd stop reading now.)

1. He is the most caring and thoughtful individual I know. Last week, he had to go to Huston, TX for business so I decided to decorate the apartment for his birthday and surprise him. Instead, he surprised me at the door with my favorite flowers and cheesecake!

2. He has the prettiest eyes and the most infectious smile. Seriously, no matter how bad of a mood I'm in, if he smiles, like really smiles, it instantly puts me in a better mood.

Look at that smile! 

3. He allows me to be silly and is silly with me. Sometimes I just need to let loose and act like a little kid and he'll totally do that with me with no second thoughts. 

See?

4. He'll push me to do things that really matter to me and give me the means to do them. This means so much to me, it's hard to put into words. 

5. He supports me both financially, mentally, and emotionally. Again, it's hard to explain how important this is to me. 

6. He puts a roof over my head and feeds me without really asking me to do much of anything. Even though I feel extremely guilty about not contributing to the family much right now, he doesn't ask for anything. 

7. On that note, he allows me to work at my dream job even though I'm not exactly raking in the dough. I'm so thankful that he's allowing me to work somewhere that I enjoy instead of somewhere that makes a lot of money. 

8.  He's one of the hardest workers I've ever seen besides my dad. 

9. Even though he works so hard, he always finds time to put some excitement into our lives ('71 Corvette anyone?)

10. He likes my family and my family likes him back. This was always something that I wanted when I found the one and I'm so glad that Keegan and my family have meshed so well, especially him and my dad. 

11. We are interested in many of the same things. While this makes making small talk easier, it also shows that we can connect on so many levels. 

12. While we are interested in many of the same things, we also have our different interests and I love how he allows me to be interested in my things without making fun of them. I also love how we're constantly learning from each other's interests and figuring out that we're interested in each other's interests as well. 

13. We both have the same goals for the future and can see reaching those goals with each other. 

14. He is patient with me, and believe me, that can be hard to do sometimes!

15. He's constantly teaching me new things and is a patient teacher. I love to learn, especially when it is something that he is also interested in, and I think it gives him some pride to be able to teach me something that he is knowledgeable about. 

16. He integrated me into his friends right from the beginning which made me feel really special. I understand that he needs his "boy time," but it means a lot to me that he's willing to let me hang out with his friends from time to time. I'd even call some of them my friends as well. 

17. He's honest with me. Whether it's about an ex-girlfriend or if a piece of clothing looks good on me, I know that I can always get an honest answer or opinion from him. If it wasn't so taboo, I'd take him wedding dress shopping with me. 

18. He's proud of me and likes to "show me off." He's the one who talked me into putting my artwork up around the apartment because he thought it was good enough. 

19. He's the best snuggler I've ever been with and that's something I need in my life.

20. We can be geeky together and it's ok. Lately we've been spending our nights watching "How It's Made" because we're cool like that. 

21. He's going to make an amazing father to our children, both furry and non (he said I can get a pet when we move into our house!)

22. He lets me dream big, and only takes me back down to earth when he absolutely has to. When that happens, he's extremely gentle about it. 

23. When I'm feeling sick (which has been almost all the time lately,) he's a wonderful caretaker. 

24. He loves me, for me. Enough said. 

Happy birthday, birthday boy. I hope that even though it's 8:08 and you're passed out on the couch, you've had a good birthday. You're and amazing guy and one that I'm so lucky to be marrying in just 8 short months. Even though our life together is just starting, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. <3

New Look

Hey guys,

In case you couldn't tell I updated the look of my blog. I guess I figured with the upcoming adult decision of putting an offer in on a house tomorrow, I needed to make my blog look a little bit more adult? I don't know, I just felt like I needed a change with how it looked. I hope it's not too dark. If I start to think it's too dark, I may add some more pops of color here and there, so don't think your eyes are playing tricks on you if things change a bit over the next few days.


*By the way, I honestly hope that out there somewhere, people are reading this and I'm not talking to myself like a crazy person here even though I do find it very therapeutic.....*

Empty House

Today was one of the days where I wish I could have stayed at work a little bit longer and the drive home didn't fly by. Keegan's in Houston, Texas for work today and tomorrow so I'm home alone tonight. I hate coming home to an empty house. Talking to Keegan through text/Gmail chat/over the phone just isn't the same as coming home and spending the night with him. I honestly don't know how we did it for the first few years we knew each other and the first year and a half of our relationship. I know that many people would enjoy this time to themselves, but I honestly like spending as much time with Keegan as I can. I know that my mom will go grocery shopping just so she can get an hour away for herself, but I like to do tasks like that with Keegan. Maybe I'll enjoy doing those things by myself after being married for twenty years and having three kids, but for now, I'm enjoying spending the time I have with him.

I've been meaning to post our engagement pictures for a few weeks now, so since I'm missing him like crazy, here's a few pictures of me and my love.

These ones were taken by my friend Kelly Christensen (I'll add her website as soon as she's done with it.)

*Just as a side note, I own all of the rights to these photographs, so no using these images unless you ask me first!*

Home Sweet Home

Yesterday, Keegan and I started a very big, very important process in our lives. We went and talked to a mortgage broker at bank here in town to get pre-approved for a mortgage on a house. We have had a few bumps in the road in the few months we've been on this journey, the biggest one being that Keegan doesn't have any credit. He has been lucky enough to be able to pay for school and his car, probably the two biggest purchases that people use to gain credit, with cash, so he has no credit to speak of (seriously, his credit report comes back saying +/- 0.) This causes a big problem because obviously, one has to have credit to purchase something as big as a house. In the last few months, we've tried to get him a credit card so he could start building up credit, but he's been turned down because he doesn't have credit to begin with. It's been one big frustrating circle. Thank goodness our realtor pointed us in the direction of a mortgage lady at a bank here in town that could help us out. She asked us to bring in all of Keegan's bills for the last few years proving that he hasn't missed any payments (thank goodness Keegan kept them, I don't keep these things.) She also asked us to bring in bank statements and his offer letter from his job showing that he has enough money to make the monthly mortgage payments. With this (large) stack of papers, she was basically able to input a bunch of numbers into the computer and tell the credit bureau to make Keegan a credit score based on the fact that he's never missed a payment on any of his bills.

With the "fake" credit score from our mortgage lady, we went to our realtor today and told him that we're ready to put in an offer on a house. We went through the contract that we'd be signing and told him all of the things that we'd like the builder to do while he's finishing the house (the house we want is currently being built so we have some say in what goes into it,) such as adding a fence and making sure it's wired for cable and internet. Our realtor also said that since he's representing the builder and he knows him well, he's pretty sure the builder would allow us to make some decisions on things as he's finishing up such as the color of the tile going over the fireplace and what chandelier we want in the dining room, small details that most home buyers don't have control over until they've bought the house. Keegan wants to take one more look at the house and make sure that we've added in all of the things that we want into the contract before we officially put in an offer, but since he has to go out of town Thursday and Friday for work, we can't do that until Saturday.

Hopefully we'll be able to do one final look at the house Saturday and officially put an offer in on the house. We're thinking of putting in an offer that's about $8,000 less that what the builder wants, so hopefully he'll accept it. If he does, we're going to ask for him to finish the house by the end of January (we don't want to close this year for tax reasons,) and we'll close by the end of February. By the beginning of March, we'll be able to leave our apartment and be home owners! I really hope this all works out. I'd love to not live in an apartment anymore; it's become such a hassle to live 45 minutes from work and I honestly hate living in a college town and in a college apartment building. It wasn't so bad when we were college students, but now hearing drunk college students at midnight bugs me to no end. I need my beauty sleep! I'll keep you posted on how things go Saturday, and maybe post some pictures of the house.

For now, here's the one picture I have of the outside of the house, taken from the realtor's site.

And the layout/blueprint

Kind of hard to read, but the "arm" at the top left is the master suite with the bedroom, two walk in closets and the master bathroom. I'll post more pictures with more details on Saturday. 

Have a good day and rest of the week!

Appreciation and Birthday

Sometimes it's just nice to be feel appreciated ya know? I love working at the arts council, and I they don't *need* to pay me to get me to stay, but sometimes it's just nice to know you're appreciated. My boss feeding my lunch everyday and her finding the money in the budget to pay me on Sundays has been really nice. Today though, one of the local radio DJs (VJs? what are they exactly?) came into the council and gave me a t-shirt and two movie passes just because he heard from my boss about how I basically work 40 hours a week for free. It was really nice that someone else had heard about what I've been doing and took the time out of their day to basically tell me thank you.


On a slightly related note, thanks to those two movie passes, I can now do something for Keegan's birthday on the 20th. Since I am only getting paid to work 4 hours on Sundays (and it has only been the last two Sundays,) I'm not exactly rolling in the dough. I also have to make my first two student loan payments this month so I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to be able to get him anything for his birthday or Christmas. I had a nice little surprise though. My last paycheck was higher than I thought it would be, so it looks like I'll be able to make my low student loan payment and get Keegan a birthday present. I know it's not about the material things in life, but I just felt really bad that I wasn't going to be able to get him anything for his birthday. With his birthday being so close to Christmas, I always want to make it special and not just lump it into the holiday. With this little extra cash, I'll be able to get him something small and maybe make him a cake. We'll see what happens, I'll post pictures with whatever we do so I don't spoil the surprise.

Here We Come A Wassailing

Keegan and I went wassailing for the first time on Friday. For those of you who don't know what wassail is, Wikipedia says:

"Wassail the beverage is a hot, mulled punch often associated with Yuletide. Historically, the drink was a mulled cider made with sugar, cinnamon, ginger, and nutmeg and topped with slices of toast. Modern recipes begin with a base of wine, fruit juice, or mulled ale, sometimes with brandy or sherry added. Apples or oranges are often added to the mix. While the beverage typically served as "wassail" at modern holiday feasts with a medieval theme most closely resembles mulled cider, historical wassail drinks were completely different, more likely to be mulled beer or mead. Sugar, ale, ginger, nutmeg, and cinnamon would be placed in a bowl, heated, and topped with slices of toast as sops."

In our small town, there is the "Wassail Fest" at the beginning of December where many of the downtown businesses are open late, serve their own special wassail and hope to be voted the town favorite wassail for that year. Many of them also have sales going on so people seem to get a lot of Christmas shopping done. The art gallery I work at participated (we've been a past wassail winner, so we need to keep up the tradition,) and we had Santa and Mrs. Claus visit for the kids. I snuck out of work for a bit and Keegan and I walked around to see what all of the fuss was about. The wassail was a good, but there were a lot of people squeezed into tiny stores which really isn't my thing so we didn't stay long. We stopped into a local photography studio and got into the photobooth, so I'm waiting for those pictures to be posted so I can post them. After we saw the town Christmas tree, we went home pretty much exhausted from a long week. 

I'm *somewhat* in a more holiday mood after wassailing, but still not as excited as I usually am for the festivities. I still believe that it's because I'm away from family for the first time leading up to the holidays. I'm counting down the days until we get to go home for Christmas. I'm crossing my fingers that Keegan and I will get our tree today, maybe that'll get me in a more Christmas-y mood. 

Girl Friends and Good Music

It's amazing how a good talk with a girl friend can really lighten your mood. Lately I've been in less than a stellar mood but after a talk with Keegan's cousin today, I feel much better. We spoke for about six hours while I was at work (don't give me that look, I had nothing else to do,) over Facebook chat about anything and everything ranging from my bridesmaids dresses (she's going to be one of my bridesmaids,) to tattoos. It was just really nice to talk to a girl again about things that I can't really talk to Keegan about. I love him and all, but he gets a little bored after I've shown him about two dresses.

It also helped that I decided to leave work an hour early to go get my new glasses and on the way home, I totally rocked out. I don't care who saw me singing horribly to Avril Lavigne and Maroon 5, it made me smile, and that's all that matters.

And for the fun of it, here are the new glasses. I usually go for black frames, but the ladies at the eye doctor tricked me and made me pick them out after I had taken out my contacts and they had dilated my eyes so I couldn't see five inches in front of me. They'll take some getting used to, but I don't mind them too much.


P.S. that's totally a list of cupcakes I want for the wedding behind me. Get excited!

Winter

Well there was ice on my windshield this morning, so I guess "winter" has finally hit the south. I must say, it's hard to believe when just on Thanksgiving (less than a week ago,) it was 65 and sunny out. We'll see if this chilly weather sticks around or if "winter" down here only lasts for a few days. Apparently last year down here actually got snow, but we all know last year was a freak year with most of the U.S. getting an absurd amount of snow (let's not forget I couldn't leave my house for over a week and Mizzou canceled school for three days in a row which has never happened. School hadn't been canceled since the Civil War and that was only for a day.) With the way the weather has been up until now, I highly doubt we're going to see snow down here any time soon.

With that in mind, it's been hard for me to get into the holiday spirit. I guess I've always equated snow (or at least cold weather) with the holidays, and since it's felt like spring break until yesterday, I haven't really been in the Christmas-y mood. Maybe if Keegan and I go shopping in one of the bigger cities this weekend and pick out a Christmas tree, it'll start feeling like Christmas? I've decided that I want us to pick out an ornament that describes our family each year so that our tree can be filled with memories, just like my family's was. My mom still puts up ornaments that I made when I was in pre-school, and I hope that some day, I'll be doing the same thing. I've been looking around for an "our first Christmas" ornament since this is the first year Keegan and I'll be spending Christmas together, and I hope I'll find one soon.

Maybe on the way home I'll put on some Trans-Siberian Orchestra (just about the only Christmas music I can stand anymore) and try to get into the holiday spirit. I think once I get around my family, that'll help a lot, I've been missing them a lot lately. Hopefully holidays away will get easier as time passes.

Thanksgiving

This was my first Thanksgiving that I haven't been around my family. For as long as I can remember, we've always gone to a long time friend's house (I was in the same play group as their oldest daughter,) and spent the day stuffing ourselves silly with good food and catching up over the last year. This year, two of our friends, Ben and Ryan, came down from Illinois and Missouri respectively, and we went over to Ben's family's house in another small town in Mississippi for lunch. While I appreciate Ben's family having us over and cooking, it just wasn't the same. I honestly missed my family a lot today and was pretty teary/moody for most of the day.

Also, let's just say I'm not a fan of going out and shooting guns in the woods after the Thanksgiving meal. Just not really my thing.

I do want to say that I am thankful for many things.

• First of all, I am thankful for my family. We've gotten so much closer over the last few years, and it took a lot for them, especially my parents, to be ok with letting me move down here with Keegan. It really means a lot to me that they thought I was strong enough to start my own life, and have supported me when I've needed it. 
• I'm also extremely thankful for my now finance, Keegan (I love saying that hehehe.) He is honestly the best person I know and he has supported me in so many ways in our move down here. Without him, I would probably be in a balling heap living on the streets. He constantly tells me that he loves me and how much I mean to him. We have the type of relationship that I've always wanted, and I'm so lucky that he's decided he's wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. 
• Next, I am thankful for friends, both old and new. I am so glad that I have kept in touch with friends through the move down here; in their own ways, they have shown me who my real friends are. The friends that I have made here have made my move so much easier, and I really owe it to them for making sure I don't go crazy and for making the transition easier. 
• Lastly, I am thankful for me. I know this sound conceded, but I am really thankful that I have allowed myself to grow and become so much more confident in the last few years. If I had stayed as shy as I once was, I would never have found my passion for art which means I would probably never have graduated high school early, gone to Mizzou when I did, found that certain group of friends which eventually lead me to Keegan who moved me to Mississippi where I am now. I wouldn't be the person I am today, and honestly, I'm pretty ok with me. I love my friends and my family, and I'm so excited about life. Things seem tough at times, but I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, I hope yours was amazing and that we remember to be thankful for everything we have not just today, but everyday.

Dear Boy Socks...

Dear boy sock,

I HATE trying to match you up while folding laundry. You all look basically the same but have teeny tiny differences that make you different like your toe is a different color, or the weave is different. You're all either dark blue so you look black, or faded black so that you look blue. This makes it extremely difficult to figure out who goes with who.

Can you honestly tell these apart?

Why can't you take a cue from girl's socks and either all be the same white ones so it doesn't matter who matches with who, or all be a different pattern so it is very simple pair you up?

                        How easy are these to pair up?                        

                                       It doesn't matter which one goes with which, they're all the same!

Boys, please take a hint from girls socks and make it easier on me and everyone else out there who is stuck doing your laundry. Start wearing pink socks with bicycles on them. 

I Have A New Girl Crush

Kinda.....

Keegan and I had a date night tonight and saw "In Time" the new Justin Timberlake/Amanda Seyfried movie. The movie was actually really good which I was surprised at because I don't really like Justin Timberlake as an actor (well I don't like him in anything really,) and after seeing Amanda Seyfried in "Mean Girls," I pegged her in the stupid girl side kick role. I did like her in "Mama Mia," but I didn't even realize that it was her tonight until I looked her up on IMDB. Anyways, the whole point of this post is she looked AMAZING in the movie.

Red hair does wonders for her and I think that is why I didn't realize who she was. Plus her eyes look HUGE; its amazing what a great smoky eye can do for someone. 

The only problem I had with her is she was a little too skinny. In one scene where she was sitting down, I could count every bone in her knees and I'm not a fan of that. 

I also found some new loves in my life with four wheels, but sadly I cannot find pictures of them. The 1970-ish Charger that was used by the police in the movie was b-e-a-utiful, complete with suicide doors. 

And this Jaguar doesn't hurt to look at either. 

You should go see it. Pretty girls, beautiful cars, good plot, lots of things blow up and JT doesn't look bad either (if you're into that kind of thing.)

The Decorated Bride

One of my friends on Facebook posted this link to another blog, My Love For You, about decorated brides from Kosovo. According to the blog, "Lubinje brides of Kosovo are meticulously dressed and made up for their wedding day. It's done to ward off the "evil eye, and discourages gossip and speculation."

I looked through the pictures and saw the video of the elder woman (not sure if its a mother or grandmother) adorning the bride with paint, sequins, and probably the prettiest, and most expensive clothing that the bride will wear her entire life. At first, I thought to myself, "I'm glad that brides over here don't go through this," but after second thought, don't we? Don't brides spend months before their wedding working out to get that "perfect" body (I'll admit to this,) and spray tan for weeks before? The day of, don't many brides cake their faces in foundation, eye liner, mascara, lipstick, jewelry, crystal headpieces and wear a dress that costs as much as a down payment on a car, if not more? If you think about it, the two customs are not that different no matter how much we care to think they are. 

Funny enough, I think that many of the western brides who spend $10,000 just on a dress and look like a clown in their make up are the strange ones. I think these decorated brides are absolutely beautiful. Maybe this is what I'll do for my wedding day.  

Here is the link to the specific blog post if you want it: The Decorated Bride

Wedding Bliss and Fast Cars

Woohooo wedding progress has been made! We finally have an official date and place as of this morning. We were trying to get married on August 11, 2012, but the venue that we're getting married at was booked, so we moved it up a weekend so now the official date is August 4, 2012. Since I was off work today, I spent all day designing our invitations. This is somewhat backwards since I still haven't made our save the date cards, but our photographer hasn't gotten them back to us yet. I'm hoping she at least sends the CDs to us by the end of the week *fingers crossed.* Our wedding website is 85% done, I'd say, it just needs our engagement photos added and once we figure out our honeymoon, information about that plus some more information about hotels for out of town guests.

Once the engagement photos come back, I'll make the save the date cards and send those out. Hopefully we'll get some early RSVPs and can get a rough estimate about how many people are actually going to come to this shindig. When we're in Columbia for Christmas, I'm going to be dress shopping, maybe cupcake tasting, and potentially meeting with a florist if we decide we have the budget for flowers (even fake flowers are surprisingly expensive!) A lot got done today, but there is so much more that needs to get done in the....264 days left.


P.S. Keegan treated himself and bought a 1971 454 Corvette.

Ain't she purdy? She arrives Friday from Austin Texas. I'm only a little excited 

Being a Grown Up

Nothing has made me feel like a grown up more than looking at houses and doing wedding registries. Don't get me wrong, both things are fun, but before, when I would "house shop" I was looking more at what color the house was, is it in a pretty neighborhood or by the ocean, does it have a "princess tower" on it? Now I'm looking at if the kitchen is big enough, if I can open the oven and dishwasher at the same time (one of my biggest pet peeves of living in an apartment) and if the house will be big enough raise children in down the road. School districts have suddenly become a big interest to me, one for potential children, and two, for re-sell value down the road. I've found myself reading the newspaper at work more frequently, and the shootings and random stabbings that occur stick out to me more now, and I wonder to myself if this is really a safe city to raise kids in. I kind of miss the more carefree days of college life where my biggest worries were trying to finish that paper in two hours or making rent.

Now doing the wedding registry yesterday at Bed Bath and Beyond was fun. It was suggested that we put twice as many items on our registry as people we're inviting which would mean we'd have to have about 400 items on our registry....we barely made it pass 80. We've asked for some things that we haven't been able to afford before like a $300 mixer, as well as upgrades to things that desperately need to be upgraded, like our mis-matched measuring cups that we've collected throughout college. I think we got a lot of things in a wide range of prices for everyone to choose from, and we're also going to register at Target, Lowes, and probably have a Word document of things that we want that can't really be on a registry, like things from ThinkGeek for me, or NewEgg for Keegan. While we were walking through the store with our little scanner, we were discussing how we were going to decorate our new house and how we liked some of the wall art that BB&B had. I said that the wall art didn't really mesh well with our current style of artwork and Keegan suggested that we may have to "grow up" and stray away from our decorating style of signed band t-shirts and posters. I think I'm going to have to disagree with that; we're just going to have to figure out how to do it in a more "classy, grown up way". I love my band posters, and have worked too had to get them signed by my favorite bands to just roll them up and put them in a closet :p

  We've asked to see a few houses next Saturday and I'm really excited about one in particular.  

4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, 1,922 total square feet, built this year (hence the no grass) in a brand new subdivision in the school district we want. Hardwood floors, granite counter tops custom wood cabinets, the works. The lot is only 1 acre so it might be hard for Keegan to build his shop in the back, but who knows how long we'll be in this house. My dream house is honestly one like my parents, 3 floors, wide open floor plan, but apparently they don't build houses with more than one floor or basements here in Mississippi (which I don't understand with their frequent tornadoes, but ya know,) so this one will have to do. I just don't want to get my hopes up just in case something is really wrong once we step inside, but I'm excited to see this house.

Many many changes are happening, but they're all good ones. I'm excited about life again so hopefully this momentum will continue and more good things will come.

P.S. I can't seem to NOT write posts that aren't novels. I'm sorry.  

Being Dependent

I would like to say that I am a very independent girl in many aspects of my life. However, I know when I need to lean on someone for help. I HATE having to lean on things, though. One example is my dependence on medication that has happened in the year or so. Don't get me wrong, I'm not addicted to anything. I don't get shaky and bitchy if I don't get my "fix." My headaches just come back with severe vengeance if I don't stay on my drugs. I was really hoping that when my doctor put me on these medications back in January, I wouldn't become dependent on them. Unfortunately I have, and this was very evident when I accidentally left my medications at my parents house after I got back from my trip to Canada. The two weeks that I was without my medications were filled with a constant headache from hell, but in the two days since I've been back on my medications, my headache has been dulled to a slight annoyance.

My dependence on my medications makes me feel weak. I hate having to depend on pills to get through the day. They interrupt my schedule. I can't just get up in the morning, I have to get up, make sure I have water, take my 4.5 pills, and then go about my day. I can't just fall asleep at someone's house anymore, I have to make sure I take my pills with me or I wake up with  my head splitting in two the next morning. These pills make me feel old, like I've lost the care-free lifestyle I lead before. Let alone the side effects they give me. I feel like I have morning sickness 24/7. I'm glad they help the headaches, I just really wish that I could get off them already, or take less or them, or find another combination that gave me fewer side effects. And don't even get me started about trying to have children down the road. My doctor flat out told me he wants me to stay on birth control as long as possible so that I don't have kids on these medications because they'll cause too many problems for me and the baby, if the baby survives. Woohoo putting poison in my body! /sarcasm

I guess this is my rant for the day, I'll try to post something happier next time. Maybe something wedding related yes?

Its Been A While Friends...

Well I've been slacking on the blogging lately. Between the excitement of planning a wedding, working, and being in Canada for a week I haven't had much time to sit down at the computer and write out all of my thoughts.

Like I said, I went to Canada for about 5 days the weekend of October 15 with my mommy. It was amazing! Unfortunately the original reason was to go for my grandma's funeral, but it turned into such an amazing weekend that I'm hoping will be life changing. I guess I should start from the beginning:

First of all, I had to drive to Decatur, Alabama to fly to Missouri which was a long four hour drive and I almost got lost numerous times (I really need to update Keegan's GPS.) After a layover in Charlotte, I got picked up by my mom who I was soooooooo excited to see. I got to show off my engagement ring and be total girls with her on the ride home. The next morning my mom and I took a bus to Kansas City to fly to Canada. I got a bunch of grief from every airport security person I met, but I eventually got through both the American and Canadian customs agents with just my permanent resident card! Woohoo no passport for this girl needed (even though I'm still in the process of getting one just to make travel easier.) We landed in Toronto at 1:30 am and had to take a taxi from the airport to my dad's parents house. That was an adventure just by itself (just a note, don't trust the taxi driver if he says he'll take a credit card, you'll end up paying for the ride in American money,) but we got to my grandparent's house around 3:30 a.m.

After a few hours of sleep, my mom and I got up for my grandma's funeral. We got another taxi to the funeral home, but got there an hour early. We walked a few blocks to a Tim Hortans (Canada's version of Starbucks but much better in my opinion) and got coffee to warm us up. At the funeral home we were met by my aunt and two cousins who I haven't seen in about seven years, and my aunt and uncle who I can't remember when I saw last as well as numerous cousins. The funeral was sad and it took all of me not to cry so I could be strong for my mom. After the funeral we went back to my uncle's house to hang out before going over to my great-aunt's house for a party of sorts. It was so amazing to reconnect with my cousins, some of which I haven't seen since I was three years old! The best story of all was from my cousin Andrew who I hadn't seen since I was three. Apparently the only memory of me that he has is when we saw each other and he had long curly hair like mine. Being three, I decided Andrew must be a girl like me since our hair was the same. I wouldn't let anyone tell me that he was a boy. I think that I connect with both my aunts/uncles and my cousins now that I'm older. The last time I've seen almost all of them I was a young shy girl who wouldn't talk to them. Now I'm able to tell them about my life and appreciate the talks I have with them so much more. I learned so much about my family during this weekend that I didn't know before and I really really really want to make a big effort to keep in touch with my family now that we've reconnected. I think its stupid to have a family riff stop a family from knowing each other, but again, that's another story.

The next day, there was an engagement party/party for my grandma at my dad's parents house. Again, it was nice to reconnect with everyone. I met three of my cousins that I hadn't met before (one of them is 7 and the twins are 3,) as well as see another who I had only met the day she was born. I love hearing what everyone is doing and see how families have changed. It was just such an amazing weekend of connecting with my extended family and I really appreciate the time that I had with them.

The next day, my mom and I went hung out with my two aunts, my great aunt and two of my cousins. We went to downtown Toronto and saw the Occupy Toronto march, had lunch, and went shopping in a HUGE mall. It was nice to hang out with the girls in my family and get to know everyone better. That night, we went over to my dad's brother's house to hang out with his three girls. Don't tell anyone, but he has always been my favorite uncle on my dad's side. He was always the "cool" uncle who drove motorcycles and wasn't afraid to play around with us when we were kids. He has a beautiful wife and family now and I loved hanging out with them.

All in all, it was such an emotional and amazing weekend. The original reason to be there was sad and it was really hard on me when my mom turned to be and said, "I just realized that I'm an orphan. Both of my parents are gone." I didn't know what to do, it is hard to all of a sudden switch roles and be the comforting figure in our relationship, but I tried to comfort my mom the best I could. I love that I was able to reconnect with so much of my family (many of them even said they'd like to come to my wedding!) and I hope that I can stay in touch with everyone. That is my new goal in life; to never loose contact with friends and family that mean a lot to me. Life is too short to let something like that happen.

I'm going to try and post more often so I'm not writing novels every time. I can't promise with my crazy life, but I'm going to try really hard.

!!!!!!

Sooooooooooooooooo



I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!!


I'm so excited right now that I don't even know what to do with myself. Today seemed like a pretty normal day. Keegan and I were out most of the day with a relator looking at houses (that's another blog post entirely,) so we were in the city next to ours for most of the day. We hung out with a friend out there for a few hours, and then came back to our town for dinner. We had an amazing dinner at a restaurant called the Grill (who has amazing Snicker's pie by the way,) and then we came home. I hopped in the shower and then got in some comfy clothes. Keegan suggested that we go out for a drive, something that we like to do from time to time, and we drove out to a lake about fifteen minutes from our house. We parked the car, walked out onto the dock and started making small talk for a little bit under the moon and stars. All of a sudden, Keegan says "Hey Ais," and I turn around and he's on one knee. He pulls out a ring from his pocket and says "Will you marry me?" Of course, my hand flies to my mouth, I start crying and laughing and shaking all at once and I'm *pretty sure* I squeaked out "Yes!" I pulled Keegan off his knee, hugged him, and didn't let go for about 5 minutes. I don't think I can do the whole night justice, it truly was romantic under the stars on the water. I don't think I've ever seen Keegan so happy when I said yes and just hugged him.

Apparently while I was in the shower, Keegan called my mom's cell phone to try and get a hold of my dad. She said he was busy, but Keegan pressed upon her how important it was that he talk to him. My dad was apparently in the shower, so my mom went to go get him thinking something was wrong with me. I guess Keegan asked my dad for my hand in marriage while my dad was dripping wet from just getting out of the shower. Only in my family eh?

And here's the ring. Again, it doesn't do it justice, it is so much prettier in person.

 I'm pretty sure I'm just babbling now so I should sleep......or try to at least!

Difficult Week

This week has certainly been a difficult one. First, we found out that there is no way that my passport is going to get to the consulate, get processed, and returned to me in time for me to fly to Toronto for my grandma's funeral. Tuesday, my dad called the Canadian consulate office in Chicago to see if there was anything that could be done to speed up the process, or if there was a letter that could be written saying that my passport was in the process of getting renewed, but just wasn't finished yet. My dad was told that some sort of letter could be written, but now that I had moved to Mississippi, I was no longer under the jurisdiction of the Chicago consulate and I had to talk to the consulate in Atlanta, Georgia. I put on my big-girl pants and called the Atlanta consulate on Wednesday, but of course they didn't pick up. I left a message, trying to explain my situation as best as possible and hoped that they would get back to me. Surprisingly, they called  me back within two hours or so, and I talked to a woman named Stephanie. Again, I tried to explain my situation as best as I could, saying that my passport had expired, and I needed a new one in time for my grandma's funeral in three weeks. After numerous phone calls on both of our ends, (including me having to call the funeral home and having to get them to fax me a copy of my grandma's death certificate to prove that she actually passed away , something I NEVER wanted to have to do,) it all came down to me having two options.

1. I could either change my flight so that I landed in Buffalo, NY and drive over the border with just my permanent resident card. This was a possibility because apparently security over land is less strict and they would "most likely" let me over the border. However, this option didn't work for me because my plane ticket (as well as my mom's) was bought with airline miles from my dad's father. To change the tickets now would result in a fee as well as us having to rent a car for the 5 days we were going to be there and we just didn't have the money to cover all of that. 
2. Since changing the plane tickets wasn't going to work, I had to prove to Stephanie that by trying to change my ticket, I would lose all of my air miles, or that the fee to change the ticket was more than the ticket was worth, and if I was able to do that, she would consider trying to help me again. Air Canada wasn't willing to write me a letter, so I had to fax her my plane ticket that showed that my ticket couldn't be changed. However, this wasn't proof enough for the consulate, so I was basically back to square one. 

My dad, who I swear is part of the Canadian mafia (if there is such a thing) somehow knows someone in Parliament so he contacted her and she said she was willing to try and help us out. So now we wait and see if anything comes of that. If all of these things fail, I guess I'm just going to go to my flight with all of my documents proving who I am and hope that they let me through.

To make this week even better, I just found out my dad's in the hospital and I'm 9 hours away from him. My mom said it's just another bleed that he gets every now and then, but I hate being so far away from him especially since things with him can go downhill so quickly.
  

Toronto

Well it's official, (more or less, more on that later,) I'm going to Toronto in October for my Grandma's funeral. It is unfortunate that everyone is getting together for such a sad occasion, but I am excited to "meet" my extended family again. I haven't seen many of them since I was a young teen, some of them since I was much younger. Unfortunately, (here comes the more or less part,) I don't have my passport exactly. It's currently in the mail getting renewed, and I'm hoping to get it back in time. My dad called the Canadian consulate in Chicago to see if they could speed up the process a bit, but unfortunately they don't give emergency passports anymore. They said that they could write a note that is supposed to allow me over the border, but now that I have moved down to Mississippi, I am no longer under the jurisdiction of the Chicago consulate. Tomorrow I have to call the consulate in Atlanta, Georgia to see if they are willing to write a note as well and send it to me here in Mississippi so I don't have to drive the 5+ hours to retrieve it. If all of this falls through, I basically have to bring every document that shows that I live in the United States, have established a life here and intend to return to the United States. I'm sure there will be a lot of begging and pleading with border patrol to let me over the border, I'm just hoping that I don't get stuck on one side or another. Since my parents, and oddly enough my grandparents, don't want me to drive the 9 hours from Mississippi to Missouri to meet my mom to fly from St. Louis to Toronto, it looks like I'll be flying from Huntsville, Alabama (which is an hour and a half from where I am now,) to Charlotte, North Carolina, to St. Louis the day before we leave from St. Louis for Toronto. With all of this traveling, I will be away from Keegan for about a week which is going to be really hard, but it will be nice to see family again. Now all I can do is wait and hope that the consulate in Atlanta will write a note for me to allow me over the border, and if not, wait and hope that my passport comes in.  

Update

Well its been a loooooooooooooooong time since I've written anything. A lot has been going on so I'm just going to use this post as an update with my life.

• Following up my last post, my grandma passed away on September 4th. Keegan and I were driving back from St. Louis after spending the long Labor Day weekend with a bunch of friends when my dad called me to tell me the news. Of course I was upset, but a kind of calm came over me knowing that she wasn't in pain anymore. I'm currently working on getting my passport so that I can attend her funeral in October. I hate that family reunions only seem to happen in times of sorrow, but I will love seeing all of my family again. It has been far too long since I have seen everyone. 

• Labor Day weekend was....interesting. I don't know if I was just on edge because of everything that was going on with my grandma, or if our friend dynamics have really changed that much in just a few months, but certain people in our friend group were just rubbing me the wrong way. It was the same people that annoyed me when we hung out in Rolla, so I wasn't surprised that they annoyed me when we got together for the weekend, but I was kind of hoping that since most of us have graduated from college now, they would have grown up by now. Oh well; overall, the weekend was fun. We got to go to the zoo, hang out as a group in the hotel, swim, and just generally catch up with each other. We talked about making this a yearly thing and changing the location each time to where a member of the group is living. The idea is next year will be in California, but I'm not sure if Keegan and I will be able to make that with him only getting 10 days of paid vacation a year and us wanting to save that for holidays with family. We'll see what happens. 
• So far, I'm still technically unemployed. I'm still "working" at the arts council in the next town over while I wait to see if the Vista grant will come through from the government. It looks like the earliest that will happen will be November. I'm very conflicted with this situation because I love working at the arts council, but I can't keep working there for free. My student loan payments start in November and I don't want to push them back any farther. Getting the Vista grant will be extremely helpful because while I'm receiving the grant, the government will pay any interest I have on my student loans as well as paying me a monthly income. I will also get medical insurance and if I had children, the government would pay for their child care. The Vista grant is exactly what I need right now, but with the U.S. government wanting to decrease their debt, they are being extremely slow with approving any kind of budget for programs like this. There is even talk about the government getting rid of the Vista program which would mean that I wouldn't be able to stay at the arts council because they just don't have the money to pay me since they are a non-profit organization. My boss did say that she is going to officially put me on the pay roll just in case there are days when the girl I work with can't come in, so they could pay me. 
• I also need to either get the Vista grant going, or find a real job so that I can hopefully get a new, or at least a less crappy car. My car died again last week and it was another $750 to fix (the stupid gas line broke or something like that.) I HATE having to ask Keegan to pay for things like this. Since I was 15, the legal age in Missouri for minors to hold a job, I was working as much as I could during the summer and while I was in school. During college, I worked three jobs to keep a roof over my head, feed myself, and pay for school supplies; most of the time I was only able to afford two out of the three. I have always been a very self-sufficient person, never wanting to rely on anyone to pay for anything because that always (well 99.9% of the time) leads to them holding it over your head. I made a promise to myself when I was young that I would never rely on anyone for monetary reasons and unfortunately in the situation I'm in down here, I have to rely on Keegan. I thought that I had a job lined up with the arts council before we moved down here, but the Vista grant has fallen through twice now. If it falls through again in November, I'm going to have to leave my dream job and probably the only arts-related job in this area to work retail or something with a paycheck. I also promised myself that I would use my degree, and giving up my job at the arts council and going back to working retail makes me feel like I've failed and going to college was for nothing.  
• With my money situation in mind, I'm thinking of opening an Etsy shop with simple handmade things that I can make easily, with either scrap fabric I have left over from school, or old t-shirts that Keegan and I want to get rid of. I just hope that it will be worth it and I can actually make some money off of it. 
•  On a more positive note, R, the girl I work with at the arts council gave Keegan and I two tickets to the MSU college football game last Thursday and it was a blast. We were in the nosebleed section (seriously, I think we walked at least 7 stories to get to our seats,) so we could barely see the game, but it was fun to forget about everything for a while and to band together with the strangers around us and cheer for the home team. Keegan and I were looking into getting better tickets for one of the biggest games of the season, but reasonable ones (read less than $100 per ticket) are already sold out and the game isn't for another two months. I guess we'll be watching that game from our couch unless someone wants to give us tickets again. I can't believe how big football is down here. Some people pay $500 per ticket per game! I don't think I would ever pay that much for a sporting event, but I wasn't brought up with football being a big deal in my house. This town gets so crazy busy during game days so I think unless we're going to the game, Keegan and I might go out of town on game days. 
• Keegan and I are making friends. The couple that I thought we would be close to have turned out to be a lot more introverted than we thought, so we have only hung out with them a few times. With them falling through and Keegan's summer interns leaving, I was afraid that we wouldn't have anyone our age around until next summer. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that there are a lot more people under the age of 30 that work with Keegan than I thought. We went out to dinner with a bunch of Keegan's younger male co-workers one night which was a lot of fun. Last night we also went out with a girl that is the office next to Keegan's and her girlfriend. They are both born and raised Mississippians and it was a hoot to compare our two different childhoods, especially since the girlfriend was brought up in a less-developed part of Mississippi. They are both super nice and I really hope that we get to know them better. I am not so worried that we are not going to be able to find friends down here anymore.  

Well, I think that's all that has really been going on with me. I know this post was more blah-sounding than happy, but I think I'm just having a couple of bumps in the road with settling down here. Keegan and I have finally settled into a routine that we try and keep up with unless its broken up by him having to go to dinner with a customer, or me having a late-night performance at the council. We're both busy during the week so the weekends are our time to relax, spend time together, and maybe get out of this tiny town and shop at Target an hour and a half away. Its amazing what you miss when you don't have it around you anymore. Hopefully my next post will be sooner and will be more upbeat.

~Aislinn

I Just Don't Know How To Feel

I just got a call from my mom saying my grandma only has a few hours left. Only a few days ago, she went into the doctors to get a routine check-up on some of her moles, and that suddenly turned into a heart attack. My mom flew out to Canada to be with her during her last hours and I can feel my heart breaking. I hate being so far away from my family when I need them most and they need me, both my immediate family and my extended family. I'm not with my sisters right now when I'm sure they could use a hug from their big sister (no matter how much they would deny it.) I hate how I haven't seen my aunts, cousins, and my grandma in years because they live in a different country and stupid laws and money haven't allowed us to renew our passports.

I find it so strange how family reunions happen during times of stress and heartache. I have connected with cousins that I haven't talked to since I was 13. All of a sudden we have united to make sure that everyone is kept in the loop and to comfort each other. I just wish that we could have kept in contact more before a tragedy like this. I miss my family and I hate not seeing them for years at a time.

I just got another call saying they're taking her mask off. I'm going to miss my grandma. Even though I can't say that we've had the closest relationship, she was a big part of my life. I will always have the happy memories of when I was younger, and honestly I'm almost happy that I can't go to the funeral so that I will only have those happy memories. Ever since I heard she was in the hospital, I've been wearing the necklace she got me for my college graduation. I've been scared to take it off, like in some superstitious way, if I do, she will go. I guess no matter how much I hoped, and how many stupid rituals I did, it didn't help. I've tried to be strong, but the last two days I've broken down in the car on the way home. I never realized how hard it was to drive while you are sobbing into your steering wheel. Now I'm sitting alone crying on the couch trying to figure out all of these emotions that are flying around in my head.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I love you Grandma. I'm sorry that I couldn't think of anything to say when my mom asked me if I wanted to say goodbye over the phone. I guess I just didn't want to say goodbye.  

You Never Know What You Have....

....until its gone. This seems to be the theme of my life lately.

All (well most of) my friends have gone back to school in the last month and I'm realizing how much I miss school. Don't get me wrong, I HATED the tests, lack of sleep, lack of food, no free time and the fact that I overworked myself way more than I should have. But I loved the opportunities I had. I never would have found weaving if it hadn't been for my fibers professor. I was able to immerse myself so deeply into the art world that I really didn't think of much else. I had opportunities to get into shows that I probably wouldn't have gotten into if it weren't for the school. I also miss the sense of community that you get when you're in school. And I'll say it again (I'm sure I'm starting to sound like a broken record,) but I miss my friends.

In other, and more uplifting news, Keegan and I went to a pretty awesome car show over the weekend. I got totally fried so now my chest looks like a lobster and if my mom found out, she'd kill me.We did see this beautiful 1950s El Camino, and now I'm very confused about which year I want. My dream car is an El Camino and I always thought I wanted a mid 1970s version, but this car made me re-think that. I think it'll all decide on what I can find/afford when the time comes.

 

And Friday, we're leaving to go to St. Louis for shenanigans with the Rolla group! To say I'm excited is an understatement. We've decided to go to the zoo and the city museum, both of which I haven't been to since I was in elementary school, so it should be a good week. 

Emotions

So these last few days have been a wave of emotions, both good and bad

• Last weekend (August 19th,) Keegan, our friend Brendan, and I went to a one day music festival in Atlanta Georgia, about 5 hours away. It was a lot of fun, even though it was horribly hot  (I'm pretty sure I got heat stroke, or at least a severe case of dehydration,) but it made me realize how much I really miss my friends from back home. 
• On that same note, I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited that for Labor Day, Keegan and I are going to St. Louis to visit almost all of our friends from Rolla (Keegan's school.) One of his friends decided to fly in for the weekend from California to visit his wife who is doing some work for AmeriCor in a city a few hours away and decided to try and get the old group back together. Besides him, we're going to be traveling the farthest since everyone else is still living in Missouri or Illinois, but it will totally be worth the drive. We're going to go to the zoo which I haven't been to since elementary school and stay all together in a hotel so I'm sure shenanigans will be had. I don't even have to feel bad about not having his parents come down because they were the ones that decided they had too much to do that weekend and they didn't want to come down that weekend. That means that we get to see our friends during Labor Day and his parents a different weekend. Almost like having your cake and eating it too!
•  Unfortunately today my car decided to overheat when I was driving to work. Already we've had to replace the starter in this car (about $500 worth of work) and I've only had the car 3 months. My Ford Focus, the car I had before this one, had the radiator explode all of a sudden, so I was afraid that was what was going to happen as I was driving 70 mph down the highway. I made it safely to work, and surprisingly back home without trouble, however. When Keegan got home from work, he looked it over, took it for a drive and decided he didn't know what could be wrong. It starts overheating when we go slower, faster, stop, start, have the AC on, off, high, low, all kinds of things. There are no symptoms that point to one problem or another, so I guess I'm just going to drive it until something else happens, or it dies and we have to get it towed to get it fixed. 
• I am so sick and tired of owing people money. We (well really Keegan because I'm still not getting paid from work) had to pay my college the rest of the money I owe them, I unexpectedly owed my old apartment back home money, and now I might have to get my car fixed again all in one month. Soon I will have to start paying back my student loans. I just HATE having to rely on Keegan for money. When I was in college, at one point in time I worked 3 jobs to make enough money for myself, and now that I'm not making anything and having to rely on someone else, I feel useless. I hate feeling like I can't take care of myself, like I'm not strong enough to take care of myself. I mean, I went to college, I should be able to do this right? 

I guess I just needed to write this post to get these emotions out. I'm excited about things to come, like Labor Day, but things just keep getting in the way. I really hope that my work pulls through and I get my VISTA grant so I can start getting a paycheck. If not, then I will have to find work somewhere else even though I'd hate to leave the gallery. I love where I work and I don't want to leave, but I need money. I can't and don't want to make Keegan keep paying for everything. Its just not fair.

Problems

Yesterday while driving to work, I had this huge urge to not stop and just keep driving. I was in an off mood and listening to my music while driving down the pretty empty highway was pretty much all I wanted to do. The thought of having to deal with other people wasn't all that appealing to me, but I did the responsible thing and got off on my exit and went to work with a smile on my face. The reason I was in a bad mood was because I had broken the cardinal rule the night before and had gone to bed upset at Keegan and had woken up just as mad. I wasn't really mad, I was more frustrated and sad. We had an argument about something that looking back now was pretty stupid. I was giving him grief and asking about when we were going to get married, when we were going to start looking for houses, when we were going to start having babies, things that all of our friends are doing. He got frustrated and snapped at me which made me upset and we ended up falling asleep on a sour note.

Since then I've been trying to figure out the reasons that these things have been on my mind. I mean I'm only 22, should I really be thinking about starting a family and having babies? All my life I've always wanted to be a mommy and a wife, and now that I believe that I've found the person that I can see myself doing that with, the urge to start has been stronger. It doesn't help that the majority of my friends have gotten engaged/married/pregnant/had kids or any combination of those. It also doesn't help that I've been really homesick ever since my family came to visit. I guess it was easier for me the last three months to just feel like they almost didn't exist? Like they were just voices on the phone or text on the computer screen? Once I saw them again, it made me start to miss them more and that feeling hasn't gone away. My urge to try and build a family of my own down here has gotten stronger, but as you can see, my efforts haven't really been working.

I've also really been missing my friends lately. For Labor Day Weekend Keegan and I have a choice to either let his parents and possibly his brother come down here and visit, or we go to St. Louis and see all of our Rolla friends. Originally, we were going to have his parents come down, (that has been the tentative plan for months now,) but one of Keegan's good friends just recently threw out the idea of everyone getting together in St. Louis and I really really really really want to go. This specific friend is flying all the way in from California, another is driving in from Illinois, and a few others are driving in from all around Missouri. I just keep thinking that we may not get a chance like this for years to come (probably not until someone in the group gets married) and I really don't want to pass this up. Even though this group of friends is closer to Keegan, it would be wonderful to see people that I care about. I haven't really gotten close to anyone down here yet even though the girls at work have been wonderful and we are getting to be friends, we just aren't super close yet. I just feel bad that we would have to cancel our plans with Keegan's family to see our friends, even though it would be easier for us to get with them then for us to try and get our friends together again. I'm just torn.

My new plan is to not talk to Keegan about weddings, babies, or families unless he brings it up (the co-worker he shares an office with's wife is pregnant, I figure it's bound to come up sometime.) Hopefully this will take some of the pressure off of Keegan that he feels like I'm putting on him, even though that was never my intentions. I'm just the kind of person that likes to plan out things far in advance, so I can figure things out. I'll tell you how my plan works out. It'll probably be one of the hardest things I'll ever do.