Problems

Yesterday while driving to work, I had this huge urge to not stop and just keep driving. I was in an off mood and listening to my music while driving down the pretty empty highway was pretty much all I wanted to do. The thought of having to deal with other people wasn't all that appealing to me, but I did the responsible thing and got off on my exit and went to work with a smile on my face. The reason I was in a bad mood was because I had broken the cardinal rule the night before and had gone to bed upset at Keegan and had woken up just as mad. I wasn't really mad, I was more frustrated and sad. We had an argument about something that looking back now was pretty stupid. I was giving him grief and asking about when we were going to get married, when we were going to start looking for houses, when we were going to start having babies, things that all of our friends are doing. He got frustrated and snapped at me which made me upset and we ended up falling asleep on a sour note.

Since then I've been trying to figure out the reasons that these things have been on my mind. I mean I'm only 22, should I really be thinking about starting a family and having babies? All my life I've always wanted to be a mommy and a wife, and now that I believe that I've found the person that I can see myself doing that with, the urge to start has been stronger. It doesn't help that the majority of my friends have gotten engaged/married/pregnant/had kids or any combination of those. It also doesn't help that I've been really homesick ever since my family came to visit. I guess it was easier for me the last three months to just feel like they almost didn't exist? Like they were just voices on the phone or text on the computer screen? Once I saw them again, it made me start to miss them more and that feeling hasn't gone away. My urge to try and build a family of my own down here has gotten stronger, but as you can see, my efforts haven't really been working.

I've also really been missing my friends lately. For Labor Day Weekend Keegan and I have a choice to either let his parents and possibly his brother come down here and visit, or we go to St. Louis and see all of our Rolla friends. Originally, we were going to have his parents come down, (that has been the tentative plan for months now,) but one of Keegan's good friends just recently threw out the idea of everyone getting together in St. Louis and I really really really really want to go. This specific friend is flying all the way in from California, another is driving in from Illinois, and a few others are driving in from all around Missouri. I just keep thinking that we may not get a chance like this for years to come (probably not until someone in the group gets married) and I really don't want to pass this up. Even though this group of friends is closer to Keegan, it would be wonderful to see people that I care about. I haven't really gotten close to anyone down here yet even though the girls at work have been wonderful and we are getting to be friends, we just aren't super close yet. I just feel bad that we would have to cancel our plans with Keegan's family to see our friends, even though it would be easier for us to get with them then for us to try and get our friends together again. I'm just torn.

My new plan is to not talk to Keegan about weddings, babies, or families unless he brings it up (the co-worker he shares an office with's wife is pregnant, I figure it's bound to come up sometime.) Hopefully this will take some of the pressure off of Keegan that he feels like I'm putting on him, even though that was never my intentions. I'm just the kind of person that likes to plan out things far in advance, so I can figure things out. I'll tell you how my plan works out. It'll probably be one of the hardest things I'll ever do.