I Just Don't Know How To Feel

I just got a call from my mom saying my grandma only has a few hours left. Only a few days ago, she went into the doctors to get a routine check-up on some of her moles, and that suddenly turned into a heart attack. My mom flew out to Canada to be with her during her last hours and I can feel my heart breaking. I hate being so far away from my family when I need them most and they need me, both my immediate family and my extended family. I'm not with my sisters right now when I'm sure they could use a hug from their big sister (no matter how much they would deny it.) I hate how I haven't seen my aunts, cousins, and my grandma in years because they live in a different country and stupid laws and money haven't allowed us to renew our passports.

I find it so strange how family reunions happen during times of stress and heartache. I have connected with cousins that I haven't talked to since I was 13. All of a sudden we have united to make sure that everyone is kept in the loop and to comfort each other. I just wish that we could have kept in contact more before a tragedy like this. I miss my family and I hate not seeing them for years at a time.

I just got another call saying they're taking her mask off. I'm going to miss my grandma. Even though I can't say that we've had the closest relationship, she was a big part of my life. I will always have the happy memories of when I was younger, and honestly I'm almost happy that I can't go to the funeral so that I will only have those happy memories. Ever since I heard she was in the hospital, I've been wearing the necklace she got me for my college graduation. I've been scared to take it off, like in some superstitious way, if I do, she will go. I guess no matter how much I hoped, and how many stupid rituals I did, it didn't help. I've tried to be strong, but the last two days I've broken down in the car on the way home. I never realized how hard it was to drive while you are sobbing into your steering wheel. Now I'm sitting alone crying on the couch trying to figure out all of these emotions that are flying around in my head.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I love you Grandma. I'm sorry that I couldn't think of anything to say when my mom asked me if I wanted to say goodbye over the phone. I guess I just didn't want to say goodbye.