In case you couldn't tell from the title, my doctor's appointment did not go well. After driving two hours in a thunderstorm and a tornado watch/warning the doctor saw me for 15 minutes. Yes, you read that correctly. FIFTEEN MINUTES. Basically long enough for me to tell him that my headaches haven't lessened and I'm still nauseous all day and for him to ask me if I've been on medication x, y and z (no he didn't get my medical records like he promised me three months ago.) He wanted to increase my Topamax (my main headache medication) until I told him that my memory is slipping and I can't recall words. He told me that he *thinks* that might be from the amount of Topamax I've been taking for the last year a half, but he's not sure. So instead of taking me off of the Topamax, he put me on three more medications that are for migraines and seizures. At this point in time, I knew that I wasn't getting anywhere with this appointment, and I was so frustrated, so I just nodded my head and left.
Looking back, I probably shouldn't have allowed him to put me on more medication. I probably should have sat there until he took me seriously when I told him that I don't think I'm having migraines and I'm definitely not having seizures. I should have shook that tiny little Indian man until he understood that these medications aren't going to help me just like the 20+ ones I've been on in the last year and a half. But instead, I just walked out to my car and cried. I cried out of frustration and the feeling of helplessness. I just don't understand why out of the 7+ doctors I've seen, no one can make these headaches any better. If they are as something as "simple" as migraines, then why haven't the medications helped? If it's something more severe, why can't anyone find and diagnose it? Believe me, I don't want it to be something more severe, but if it was, at least I'd have a game plan, something could be done. This whole "wait and see" plan just isn't working, like I told my first doctor it wouldn't a year and a half ago. I know my body. Medications have never helped me. There's a reason that I take 2000+ mg of any pain medication while the normal person can take 200 mg.
The drive home wasn't any better than the drive there. It was still raining, so that plus my bad mood made me not the best driver to be around. Some choice words were mumbled to drivers that weren't going fast enough and the entire drive home, my emotions went from anger and frustration to tears and almost depression. I had a swirl of emotions and thoughts going through my head and of course I couldn't get a hold of Keegan to tell him anything (not that I should have been talking on the phone while I was driving, especially in the mood I was in.) I went from blaming myself to blaming the doctors for not making it better. Deep down, I know that they're just doing what they've been trained to do. I know that they shouldn't make drastic decisions, especially on someone who is young and seems to be otherwise healthy. I just want these darn headaches to be gone already. I want to feel like a 22 year old instead of someone who is 90, has trouble getting out of bed in the morning and can't stand up after bending over without feeling like they'll pass out. I want to live my life like a "normal" human my age (whatever normal is these days) instead of coming home after work and collapsing on the couch because my head has been pounding for two weeks non-stop.
I know I shouldn't be looking so far into the future, but I just can't help but to think what I'm going to do when Keegan and I want to try for kids. I don't want any traces of these medications in me since they've all been proven to cause birth defects. Part of me just wants to go off of the medications now so I can learn to deal with my body before I have a little one growing inside me and messing with my hormones. I know I can't go cold turkey though because I'd be worse than a crack addict, and I highly doubt that my current doctor would be willing to help wean me off the medications since he just upped my intake by three.
After talking to my parents, they agreed that I need to find a doctor closer to me. There are three hospitals within a 45 minute drive of me, so there should be a neurologist in one of them right? I think I'm going to try and find a different general practitioner to refer me to a different neurologist and get yet another opinion. My dad did some research on the new medications I was prescribed and apparently they're a pretty potent cocktail. I'm honestly a little worried about taking them since I've been having such a hard time with the side effects on my current cocktail of drugs. Who knows, maybe they'll make me actually throw up and I can lose those 20 pounds I've been wanting to lose before the wedding :-D
(that was a joke.....throwing up is the worse thing ever in my opinion.)
I'm feeling slightly better about things today. Going out with friends and their adorable baby last night got me laughing and feeling better about life in general. I'm still bitter about making a 4 hour round trip and only being seen for 15 minutes, but oh well. I guess I'm just going to start searching for a different doctor and watch my body closely on this new cocktail of medications. After all, who knows my body better than me right?
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