I'll Admit It....

.....I'm scared.

Today, in about 20 minutes, I have to leave for the two hour drive to Jackson, MS to see my new neurologist. I saw him back in November, but we didn't get much done because he didn't have my medical records from Missouri, and he didn't want to re-do all of my scans, blood work, and other tests if he didn't have to.

I guess I should really start from the beginning. About a year a half ago, maybe two, I started having headaches almost daily. I thought it was just the stress of being a college student that was working three jobs, but my mom eventually talked me into going into my general doctor to get checked out. After trying a few (a.k.a. four) medicines for migraines, my general doctor finally told me to go to a neurologist in Missouri because there was nothing else she could do for me. Over the next year or so, my neurologist put me on numerous medications, put me through so many CAT and MRI scans I've lost count, and three different lumbar punctures (otherwise known as spinal taps, similar to an epidural, except they take spinal fluid out, instead of putting medication in,) and basically found nothing. They found that I *might* have Chari's (sp) Disease where the tonsils of your brain hang below the hole where your spine meets your skull, but I am on the very edge of the "bell curve" so they didn't want to do brain surgery if they weren't 100% sure that it would help. While I'm glad they haven't found anything bad, it's almost more frustrating that they haven't found anything at all. It's basically been ruled that I have tension headaches due to stress, I was put on medication, and sent on my way.

When we moved to Mississippi, I started having extreme nausea all.the.time. My first thought was that I was pregnant, but after what seemed like a million tests, I wasn't. I went to another general practitioner here in Mississippi, and she put me back on my birth control to see if it would even out my hormones and stop the nausea (I went off it when we moved because I wasn't able to see my doctor to get a prescription refill before we moved.) The birth control didn't help, and again, I was referred to a neurologist because of my nausea and the fact that my headaches still hadn't stopped. I went to see him in November, we talked about my past history, he drew some blood, and told me to come back in three months so that he could get my medical records (even though I'm not sure why that took three months.) I think you're pretty much caught up now.

So today, I'm driving back to Jackson, which is a two hour drive for me. And I'll admit it, I'm scared. Every time before this, my parents were able to come with me because my doctors were in our home town. Keegan can't come with me because he has to work and if he came, he would have to take a vacation day which would take a day out of our honeymoon. I just need to tell the doctor that...

• More often than not, I can't remember words. Lately, I've had to give Keegan clues as to what I want to say because I can't remember the word that I'm trying to say. Example: If I'm trying to remember the word "blue," I would have to tell him, "It's the color of the sky, the color of my eyes..." things like that until he guesses the word. It's the most frustrating thing ever. 
• My memory is fading. I can't remember my wedding dress at all, even though I just bought it at the first of January. I know that it looks like _______ (I can't say exactly because Keegan sometimes reads my blog,) but I can't recall a picture of it to my mind's eye. The only reason I know what it looks like is because my mom has told me so many times. 
• My limbs are falling asleep so quickly now. I can't sit cross legged for more than a minute because my feet fall asleep. Also, they'll fall asleep when I'm asleep and they'll wake me up. It takes me at least 10 minutes to "wake" them back up and it's really painful. 
• And I'm still nauseous all the time. I'll eat a meal and if I think of what I just ate, or if I think of eating my next meal, I'll feel like throwing up everything in my stomach (sexy, I know.)

The last two things could be due to my medication, and if they are, I'd love to get off of these meds. I know Keegan and I aren't even married yet, but we would like to have children some day, and the medication that I'm on right now is proven to cause birth defects. I want all traces of these medications out of my body before I even think about having kids, so I'd love to get off of them now.

I  guess I'm honestly just scared that they just won't have any answers for me again. That's almost worst than being told that I have cancer. At least with cancer, we'd have a plan of attack. Now, I'm just stuck at home in pain with nothing to help.