You Never Know What You Have....

....until its gone. This seems to be the theme of my life lately.

All (well most of) my friends have gone back to school in the last month and I'm realizing how much I miss school. Don't get me wrong, I HATED the tests, lack of sleep, lack of food, no free time and the fact that I overworked myself way more than I should have. But I loved the opportunities I had. I never would have found weaving if it hadn't been for my fibers professor. I was able to immerse myself so deeply into the art world that I really didn't think of much else. I had opportunities to get into shows that I probably wouldn't have gotten into if it weren't for the school. I also miss the sense of community that you get when you're in school. And I'll say it again (I'm sure I'm starting to sound like a broken record,) but I miss my friends.

In other, and more uplifting news, Keegan and I went to a pretty awesome car show over the weekend. I got totally fried so now my chest looks like a lobster and if my mom found out, she'd kill me.We did see this beautiful 1950s El Camino, and now I'm very confused about which year I want. My dream car is an El Camino and I always thought I wanted a mid 1970s version, but this car made me re-think that. I think it'll all decide on what I can find/afford when the time comes.

 

And Friday, we're leaving to go to St. Louis for shenanigans with the Rolla group! To say I'm excited is an understatement. We've decided to go to the zoo and the city museum, both of which I haven't been to since I was in elementary school, so it should be a good week. 

Emotions

So these last few days have been a wave of emotions, both good and bad

• Last weekend (August 19th,) Keegan, our friend Brendan, and I went to a one day music festival in Atlanta Georgia, about 5 hours away. It was a lot of fun, even though it was horribly hot  (I'm pretty sure I got heat stroke, or at least a severe case of dehydration,) but it made me realize how much I really miss my friends from back home. 
• On that same note, I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited that for Labor Day, Keegan and I are going to St. Louis to visit almost all of our friends from Rolla (Keegan's school.) One of his friends decided to fly in for the weekend from California to visit his wife who is doing some work for AmeriCor in a city a few hours away and decided to try and get the old group back together. Besides him, we're going to be traveling the farthest since everyone else is still living in Missouri or Illinois, but it will totally be worth the drive. We're going to go to the zoo which I haven't been to since elementary school and stay all together in a hotel so I'm sure shenanigans will be had. I don't even have to feel bad about not having his parents come down because they were the ones that decided they had too much to do that weekend and they didn't want to come down that weekend. That means that we get to see our friends during Labor Day and his parents a different weekend. Almost like having your cake and eating it too!
•  Unfortunately today my car decided to overheat when I was driving to work. Already we've had to replace the starter in this car (about $500 worth of work) and I've only had the car 3 months. My Ford Focus, the car I had before this one, had the radiator explode all of a sudden, so I was afraid that was what was going to happen as I was driving 70 mph down the highway. I made it safely to work, and surprisingly back home without trouble, however. When Keegan got home from work, he looked it over, took it for a drive and decided he didn't know what could be wrong. It starts overheating when we go slower, faster, stop, start, have the AC on, off, high, low, all kinds of things. There are no symptoms that point to one problem or another, so I guess I'm just going to drive it until something else happens, or it dies and we have to get it towed to get it fixed. 
• I am so sick and tired of owing people money. We (well really Keegan because I'm still not getting paid from work) had to pay my college the rest of the money I owe them, I unexpectedly owed my old apartment back home money, and now I might have to get my car fixed again all in one month. Soon I will have to start paying back my student loans. I just HATE having to rely on Keegan for money. When I was in college, at one point in time I worked 3 jobs to make enough money for myself, and now that I'm not making anything and having to rely on someone else, I feel useless. I hate feeling like I can't take care of myself, like I'm not strong enough to take care of myself. I mean, I went to college, I should be able to do this right? 

I guess I just needed to write this post to get these emotions out. I'm excited about things to come, like Labor Day, but things just keep getting in the way. I really hope that my work pulls through and I get my VISTA grant so I can start getting a paycheck. If not, then I will have to find work somewhere else even though I'd hate to leave the gallery. I love where I work and I don't want to leave, but I need money. I can't and don't want to make Keegan keep paying for everything. Its just not fair.

Problems

Yesterday while driving to work, I had this huge urge to not stop and just keep driving. I was in an off mood and listening to my music while driving down the pretty empty highway was pretty much all I wanted to do. The thought of having to deal with other people wasn't all that appealing to me, but I did the responsible thing and got off on my exit and went to work with a smile on my face. The reason I was in a bad mood was because I had broken the cardinal rule the night before and had gone to bed upset at Keegan and had woken up just as mad. I wasn't really mad, I was more frustrated and sad. We had an argument about something that looking back now was pretty stupid. I was giving him grief and asking about when we were going to get married, when we were going to start looking for houses, when we were going to start having babies, things that all of our friends are doing. He got frustrated and snapped at me which made me upset and we ended up falling asleep on a sour note.

Since then I've been trying to figure out the reasons that these things have been on my mind. I mean I'm only 22, should I really be thinking about starting a family and having babies? All my life I've always wanted to be a mommy and a wife, and now that I believe that I've found the person that I can see myself doing that with, the urge to start has been stronger. It doesn't help that the majority of my friends have gotten engaged/married/pregnant/had kids or any combination of those. It also doesn't help that I've been really homesick ever since my family came to visit. I guess it was easier for me the last three months to just feel like they almost didn't exist? Like they were just voices on the phone or text on the computer screen? Once I saw them again, it made me start to miss them more and that feeling hasn't gone away. My urge to try and build a family of my own down here has gotten stronger, but as you can see, my efforts haven't really been working.

I've also really been missing my friends lately. For Labor Day Weekend Keegan and I have a choice to either let his parents and possibly his brother come down here and visit, or we go to St. Louis and see all of our Rolla friends. Originally, we were going to have his parents come down, (that has been the tentative plan for months now,) but one of Keegan's good friends just recently threw out the idea of everyone getting together in St. Louis and I really really really really want to go. This specific friend is flying all the way in from California, another is driving in from Illinois, and a few others are driving in from all around Missouri. I just keep thinking that we may not get a chance like this for years to come (probably not until someone in the group gets married) and I really don't want to pass this up. Even though this group of friends is closer to Keegan, it would be wonderful to see people that I care about. I haven't really gotten close to anyone down here yet even though the girls at work have been wonderful and we are getting to be friends, we just aren't super close yet. I just feel bad that we would have to cancel our plans with Keegan's family to see our friends, even though it would be easier for us to get with them then for us to try and get our friends together again. I'm just torn.

My new plan is to not talk to Keegan about weddings, babies, or families unless he brings it up (the co-worker he shares an office with's wife is pregnant, I figure it's bound to come up sometime.) Hopefully this will take some of the pressure off of Keegan that he feels like I'm putting on him, even though that was never my intentions. I'm just the kind of person that likes to plan out things far in advance, so I can figure things out. I'll tell you how my plan works out. It'll probably be one of the hardest things I'll ever do.

Family

With the fact that my family is coming tomorrow to stay with us for a few days, I figured it would be a good idea to make a post about family. Ever since I learned that I would be moving to Mississippi, I started realizing how much my family means to me. When I was a kid, I couldn't even stay over at the neighbor's house without being super homesick, so my biggest fear about moving was that I would become too homesick and would have to move back home. So far, I get small bouts of homesickness, but nothing that talking to my mom on the phone or even just talking to Keegan about can't handle. Even though my parents and I have had our differences (like every normal teenager and their parents have had,) I love my parents more than anything and the thought of being hours away from them scared me. My dad is sick and is frequently (well, more frequently than we'd like,) in the hospital and the idea of being 9 hours away when "the day" comes scares me more than anything. I don't think I could live with myself if I was away from my dad's side the day he passes.

The last few months of living in Missouri also made me realize how much the few friends that I held onto throughout college are like family to me as well. I'm a total girl and I dream about my wedding day and one day having kids, and with that, I think about who I would want to play the important roles in some of the most important days in my life. Would I want my college roommate to be my maid of honor? Or do I want to introduce Keegan's college friends as "Uncle So-And-So" instead of just someone Daddy met in college? I think that I am in a small group that would be willing to have my college friends, as well as Keegan's still play big roles like this down the road. Even though throughout college, I had a rough time with certain friends and lost a large group of them when I broke up with an ex-boyfriend, I am so glad that I have the ones that I do now and that I have been able to stay in contact with them since graduation. 

I also follow a few blogs that deal with family. I have a few friends that have just had / are about to have children and it is fascinating to me to read about how their lives have changed with the new addition to their families. These blogs have also given me a lot of information that I will use when I one day have kids; its really helpful to see someone else go through it first hand before going through it yourself. I also follow a few blogs that are not as happy. Two of the blogs I follow are about moms who have lost their daughters to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and one about a father who lost both his wife and daughter in a car accident. These blogs really make me take a step back and think about how important both life and family are and how quickly they can be taken away. I don't know what I would do if I lost a child, especially one who seemed to be perfectly healthy. I also can't even fathom loosing my entire family at once and still be expected to pick myself up the next day and continue on. I read these blogs with admiration of these families' strength and courage to continue on each day and I hope that I am never in their shoes. If I am, I just hope that I can be as strong as they are and continue on.

One of my biggest dreams has always been to be a wife and a mommy some day. I hope (like really, really, really hope) that this will happen with Keegan (he hasn't proposed yet,) because he is everything I have ever wanted in a husband and father for my children. I feel like I am at a point in my life where I am ready to start building a family of my own and I can't wait for things to start happening for that to occur. I have also fallen in love with Keegan's family. This is the first time that I feel honestly taken in by a boyfriend's family and it makes me feel so good. I don't dread going to Keegan's parent's house and I'm super excited that they might also visit us later this month. Before it always felt like my ex-boyfriend's parents were nice to me to my face, but would talk behind my back. Keegan's family honestly seems to like me and care for me and that makes me feel beyond amazing and makes me believe that things between him and I will work out for the rest of my life.

Basically, this post was a way for me to think about how important family is to me; both my own family, my friends, and Keegan's family. I've been thinking a lot recently about how much I want to start my own family and reading my friend's blogs have made me realize how much this will make my life change, but I think that I'm at a point in my life where I'm ready for the challenge. Honestly, what does one have in life besides their friends and family? A goal of mine in life is to surround myself with friends and family that care about me and who I care about. I'm on the road to meeting that goal