Difficult Week

This week has certainly been a difficult one. First, we found out that there is no way that my passport is going to get to the consulate, get processed, and returned to me in time for me to fly to Toronto for my grandma's funeral. Tuesday, my dad called the Canadian consulate office in Chicago to see if there was anything that could be done to speed up the process, or if there was a letter that could be written saying that my passport was in the process of getting renewed, but just wasn't finished yet. My dad was told that some sort of letter could be written, but now that I had moved to Mississippi, I was no longer under the jurisdiction of the Chicago consulate and I had to talk to the consulate in Atlanta, Georgia. I put on my big-girl pants and called the Atlanta consulate on Wednesday, but of course they didn't pick up. I left a message, trying to explain my situation as best as possible and hoped that they would get back to me. Surprisingly, they called  me back within two hours or so, and I talked to a woman named Stephanie. Again, I tried to explain my situation as best as I could, saying that my passport had expired, and I needed a new one in time for my grandma's funeral in three weeks. After numerous phone calls on both of our ends, (including me having to call the funeral home and having to get them to fax me a copy of my grandma's death certificate to prove that she actually passed away , something I NEVER wanted to have to do,) it all came down to me having two options.

1. I could either change my flight so that I landed in Buffalo, NY and drive over the border with just my permanent resident card. This was a possibility because apparently security over land is less strict and they would "most likely" let me over the border. However, this option didn't work for me because my plane ticket (as well as my mom's) was bought with airline miles from my dad's father. To change the tickets now would result in a fee as well as us having to rent a car for the 5 days we were going to be there and we just didn't have the money to cover all of that. 
2. Since changing the plane tickets wasn't going to work, I had to prove to Stephanie that by trying to change my ticket, I would lose all of my air miles, or that the fee to change the ticket was more than the ticket was worth, and if I was able to do that, she would consider trying to help me again. Air Canada wasn't willing to write me a letter, so I had to fax her my plane ticket that showed that my ticket couldn't be changed. However, this wasn't proof enough for the consulate, so I was basically back to square one. 

My dad, who I swear is part of the Canadian mafia (if there is such a thing) somehow knows someone in Parliament so he contacted her and she said she was willing to try and help us out. So now we wait and see if anything comes of that. If all of these things fail, I guess I'm just going to go to my flight with all of my documents proving who I am and hope that they let me through.

To make this week even better, I just found out my dad's in the hospital and I'm 9 hours away from him. My mom said it's just another bleed that he gets every now and then, but I hate being so far away from him especially since things with him can go downhill so quickly.
  

Toronto

Well it's official, (more or less, more on that later,) I'm going to Toronto in October for my Grandma's funeral. It is unfortunate that everyone is getting together for such a sad occasion, but I am excited to "meet" my extended family again. I haven't seen many of them since I was a young teen, some of them since I was much younger. Unfortunately, (here comes the more or less part,) I don't have my passport exactly. It's currently in the mail getting renewed, and I'm hoping to get it back in time. My dad called the Canadian consulate in Chicago to see if they could speed up the process a bit, but unfortunately they don't give emergency passports anymore. They said that they could write a note that is supposed to allow me over the border, but now that I have moved down to Mississippi, I am no longer under the jurisdiction of the Chicago consulate. Tomorrow I have to call the consulate in Atlanta, Georgia to see if they are willing to write a note as well and send it to me here in Mississippi so I don't have to drive the 5+ hours to retrieve it. If all of this falls through, I basically have to bring every document that shows that I live in the United States, have established a life here and intend to return to the United States. I'm sure there will be a lot of begging and pleading with border patrol to let me over the border, I'm just hoping that I don't get stuck on one side or another. Since my parents, and oddly enough my grandparents, don't want me to drive the 9 hours from Mississippi to Missouri to meet my mom to fly from St. Louis to Toronto, it looks like I'll be flying from Huntsville, Alabama (which is an hour and a half from where I am now,) to Charlotte, North Carolina, to St. Louis the day before we leave from St. Louis for Toronto. With all of this traveling, I will be away from Keegan for about a week which is going to be really hard, but it will be nice to see family again. Now all I can do is wait and hope that the consulate in Atlanta will write a note for me to allow me over the border, and if not, wait and hope that my passport comes in.  

Update

Well its been a loooooooooooooooong time since I've written anything. A lot has been going on so I'm just going to use this post as an update with my life.

• Following up my last post, my grandma passed away on September 4th. Keegan and I were driving back from St. Louis after spending the long Labor Day weekend with a bunch of friends when my dad called me to tell me the news. Of course I was upset, but a kind of calm came over me knowing that she wasn't in pain anymore. I'm currently working on getting my passport so that I can attend her funeral in October. I hate that family reunions only seem to happen in times of sorrow, but I will love seeing all of my family again. It has been far too long since I have seen everyone. 

• Labor Day weekend was....interesting. I don't know if I was just on edge because of everything that was going on with my grandma, or if our friend dynamics have really changed that much in just a few months, but certain people in our friend group were just rubbing me the wrong way. It was the same people that annoyed me when we hung out in Rolla, so I wasn't surprised that they annoyed me when we got together for the weekend, but I was kind of hoping that since most of us have graduated from college now, they would have grown up by now. Oh well; overall, the weekend was fun. We got to go to the zoo, hang out as a group in the hotel, swim, and just generally catch up with each other. We talked about making this a yearly thing and changing the location each time to where a member of the group is living. The idea is next year will be in California, but I'm not sure if Keegan and I will be able to make that with him only getting 10 days of paid vacation a year and us wanting to save that for holidays with family. We'll see what happens. 
• So far, I'm still technically unemployed. I'm still "working" at the arts council in the next town over while I wait to see if the Vista grant will come through from the government. It looks like the earliest that will happen will be November. I'm very conflicted with this situation because I love working at the arts council, but I can't keep working there for free. My student loan payments start in November and I don't want to push them back any farther. Getting the Vista grant will be extremely helpful because while I'm receiving the grant, the government will pay any interest I have on my student loans as well as paying me a monthly income. I will also get medical insurance and if I had children, the government would pay for their child care. The Vista grant is exactly what I need right now, but with the U.S. government wanting to decrease their debt, they are being extremely slow with approving any kind of budget for programs like this. There is even talk about the government getting rid of the Vista program which would mean that I wouldn't be able to stay at the arts council because they just don't have the money to pay me since they are a non-profit organization. My boss did say that she is going to officially put me on the pay roll just in case there are days when the girl I work with can't come in, so they could pay me. 
• I also need to either get the Vista grant going, or find a real job so that I can hopefully get a new, or at least a less crappy car. My car died again last week and it was another $750 to fix (the stupid gas line broke or something like that.) I HATE having to ask Keegan to pay for things like this. Since I was 15, the legal age in Missouri for minors to hold a job, I was working as much as I could during the summer and while I was in school. During college, I worked three jobs to keep a roof over my head, feed myself, and pay for school supplies; most of the time I was only able to afford two out of the three. I have always been a very self-sufficient person, never wanting to rely on anyone to pay for anything because that always (well 99.9% of the time) leads to them holding it over your head. I made a promise to myself when I was young that I would never rely on anyone for monetary reasons and unfortunately in the situation I'm in down here, I have to rely on Keegan. I thought that I had a job lined up with the arts council before we moved down here, but the Vista grant has fallen through twice now. If it falls through again in November, I'm going to have to leave my dream job and probably the only arts-related job in this area to work retail or something with a paycheck. I also promised myself that I would use my degree, and giving up my job at the arts council and going back to working retail makes me feel like I've failed and going to college was for nothing.  
• With my money situation in mind, I'm thinking of opening an Etsy shop with simple handmade things that I can make easily, with either scrap fabric I have left over from school, or old t-shirts that Keegan and I want to get rid of. I just hope that it will be worth it and I can actually make some money off of it. 
•  On a more positive note, R, the girl I work with at the arts council gave Keegan and I two tickets to the MSU college football game last Thursday and it was a blast. We were in the nosebleed section (seriously, I think we walked at least 7 stories to get to our seats,) so we could barely see the game, but it was fun to forget about everything for a while and to band together with the strangers around us and cheer for the home team. Keegan and I were looking into getting better tickets for one of the biggest games of the season, but reasonable ones (read less than $100 per ticket) are already sold out and the game isn't for another two months. I guess we'll be watching that game from our couch unless someone wants to give us tickets again. I can't believe how big football is down here. Some people pay $500 per ticket per game! I don't think I would ever pay that much for a sporting event, but I wasn't brought up with football being a big deal in my house. This town gets so crazy busy during game days so I think unless we're going to the game, Keegan and I might go out of town on game days. 
• Keegan and I are making friends. The couple that I thought we would be close to have turned out to be a lot more introverted than we thought, so we have only hung out with them a few times. With them falling through and Keegan's summer interns leaving, I was afraid that we wouldn't have anyone our age around until next summer. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that there are a lot more people under the age of 30 that work with Keegan than I thought. We went out to dinner with a bunch of Keegan's younger male co-workers one night which was a lot of fun. Last night we also went out with a girl that is the office next to Keegan's and her girlfriend. They are both born and raised Mississippians and it was a hoot to compare our two different childhoods, especially since the girlfriend was brought up in a less-developed part of Mississippi. They are both super nice and I really hope that we get to know them better. I am not so worried that we are not going to be able to find friends down here anymore.  

Well, I think that's all that has really been going on with me. I know this post was more blah-sounding than happy, but I think I'm just having a couple of bumps in the road with settling down here. Keegan and I have finally settled into a routine that we try and keep up with unless its broken up by him having to go to dinner with a customer, or me having a late-night performance at the council. We're both busy during the week so the weekends are our time to relax, spend time together, and maybe get out of this tiny town and shop at Target an hour and a half away. Its amazing what you miss when you don't have it around you anymore. Hopefully my next post will be sooner and will be more upbeat.

~Aislinn

I Just Don't Know How To Feel

I just got a call from my mom saying my grandma only has a few hours left. Only a few days ago, she went into the doctors to get a routine check-up on some of her moles, and that suddenly turned into a heart attack. My mom flew out to Canada to be with her during her last hours and I can feel my heart breaking. I hate being so far away from my family when I need them most and they need me, both my immediate family and my extended family. I'm not with my sisters right now when I'm sure they could use a hug from their big sister (no matter how much they would deny it.) I hate how I haven't seen my aunts, cousins, and my grandma in years because they live in a different country and stupid laws and money haven't allowed us to renew our passports.

I find it so strange how family reunions happen during times of stress and heartache. I have connected with cousins that I haven't talked to since I was 13. All of a sudden we have united to make sure that everyone is kept in the loop and to comfort each other. I just wish that we could have kept in contact more before a tragedy like this. I miss my family and I hate not seeing them for years at a time.

I just got another call saying they're taking her mask off. I'm going to miss my grandma. Even though I can't say that we've had the closest relationship, she was a big part of my life. I will always have the happy memories of when I was younger, and honestly I'm almost happy that I can't go to the funeral so that I will only have those happy memories. Ever since I heard she was in the hospital, I've been wearing the necklace she got me for my college graduation. I've been scared to take it off, like in some superstitious way, if I do, she will go. I guess no matter how much I hoped, and how many stupid rituals I did, it didn't help. I've tried to be strong, but the last two days I've broken down in the car on the way home. I never realized how hard it was to drive while you are sobbing into your steering wheel. Now I'm sitting alone crying on the couch trying to figure out all of these emotions that are flying around in my head.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I love you Grandma. I'm sorry that I couldn't think of anything to say when my mom asked me if I wanted to say goodbye over the phone. I guess I just didn't want to say goodbye.